i can feel what is wrong

i had a good day at work people were friendly. i don't know..something in the water. but i was chatty with an australian lady from melbourne, she was pretty cool. i've met so many different kinds of people just being at the register! i've had danes, french, japanese, korean, chinese, colombians, mexicans, australians, british, and some other people whose language i couldn't quite figure out. i said my final final goodbye's to rizali, and i'll be back on friday.

moving along..i was listening to "something wrong" by bang gang, a song i love. i was hearing the lyrics and i'm pretty sure it's about wanting to commit suicide

i can feel what is wrong
i can do what you want

can you feel what is wrong?
can you do what you want?

above all the clouds

i can't cry anymore
can you hear what went wrong?

help me to feel my soul
help to end it all

i have mixed feelings about suicide. i must admit, living this life is tough. there always to be something wrong. happiness seems to be a rarity. is it supposed to be this way? i've been happy at times, but it seems to come with a price. why is it so easy to be upset then joyous? why is it so prominent in our lives..and so easily distinguishable? i was raised to believe that suicide was a sin, it was cowardly, it was selfish, and unthoughtful. i can understand why it may be selfish, but besides that why can't someone take their own life without discrepancy? unless you really understand their point of view, which is nearly impossible, why continue tormenting yourself living in hell? i wouldn't condemn anyone to keep living if they didn't want to. death is the only way to achieve true peace within yourself. (unless you can achieve nirvana somehow) and i don't see how i can do that. but you know what, i think i just inspired myself to try. i'm gonna look into buddhism..

i can understand why someone wouldn't want to be here anymore. i get tired of it too, i wish to leave it sometimes. but i always want to come back too. so it's confusing. i still have this everlasting hope within me. it's really all i have. i wonder why it never ceases to fade. i know if it ever does dwindle, it'll be the end of me.

anyways, i met a very nice dude waiting at the bus stop. he also works at the mall, macy's to be exact. we talked for the whole trip, he was from northern california, so that explains it. he was openly gay, and i appreciated that. i think people need to start being a little more truthful to themselves. he got off la brea to go buy some booze. well.. i'm sure he's having fun.

i should really go wash my face, i', starting to break out a little but a part of me just doesn't care anymore. but i'll wash it..yikes my face gets really oily.